Our 5-Year-Old Son Is Bald

“Your kid has no hair.”

“Looks like someone got his ears raised.”

“That’s a great haircut. It really is. It’s a great haircut for the Army. When are you signing him up?”

“Do you like your hair like that, sweetheart?”

“Why did you do that to the kid’s hair? You should’ve kept it long like he had it last year.”

“I hated his hair when it was long.”

“Look how big he is. He’s not a baby anymore. He’s so grown up. What the heck did you do to his hair?”

“At least it’s not blocking his eyes anymore.”

“Our son really wants to cut his hair like that. But we just don’t like it that short. That kind of cut is not for us. But it’s cool for you guys.”

“Why’d you do that to the kid’s head? What’s the matter with you?”

“We cut our son’s hair like that last year. He loved it. Did your son have lice, too?”

“Someone got into a fight with the lawnmower.”

“Did you try to cut your own hair, little guy?”

“Did your parents try to cut your hair or something?”

“I hope you didn’t pay for that haircut.”

“That cut looks cute on him.”

“You’re more gutsy than I am.”

“What do his friends think of his new haircut?”

“Oh my God! Where’s your hair? Holy mackerel!”

“Hair went bye-bye. All gone. Hee hee.”

“It looks great. It really does. It’s short. But it looks great. I liked his hair before. But I like his hair now, too. It’s pretty short though. But it looks great. It really does. I wouldn’t lie to you. It looks great.”

“That haircut is terrible. Why’d you do that? Why didn’t you leave it the way you had it? That looks terrible on him. It really does. I wouldn’t lie to you. It looks terrible.”

“Look, it’s Mr. Clean.”

“Well, at least it’s a low-maintenance haircut.”

“How much maintenance was the boy’s hair before?”

“You like that hair, kid? You think it looks cool? Your friends like it? How ‘bout Mom and Dad? Get used to it. You’re gonna have it for a long time.”

“I bet that head’s gonna get real cold when it’s cold outside.”

“That’s the perfect haircut for the hot weather coming this summer.”

Previously, my wife and I took our son to the barbershop to get him a haircut. The barber asked what blade to use on the kid’s head. The barber couldn’t remember. My wife couldn’t remember.

I remembered what blade we usually use. I have an excellent memory. So I said, “He gets the No. 2 blade.”

Both the barber and my wife said they felt the No. 2 blade would cut his hair too short.

“No,” I said, “I’m 100 percent certain that we used a No. 2 blade last time.”

So off went the hair. My wife gasped.

“Oh my God,” she said, “it’s too short. What are we gonna do?”

“It’s only hair,” I said. “It’ll grow back. Go ahead,” I said to the barber, “continue. Nobody’ll even notice the difference.”

-June 2009